i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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