I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
