She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
