census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
