i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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