I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
