My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
