Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I cannot find my penis.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
