My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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