Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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