Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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