The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
