Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
