Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
