when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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