Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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