Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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