Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
