Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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