You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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