did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
