When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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