Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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