i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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