just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
