I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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