Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
