Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
