WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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