My liver just broke up with me...
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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