I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
that's an acceptable place to lick
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
