matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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