So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Randomize
