I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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