my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
