Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
