My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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