The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
