my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
