I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
