I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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