The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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