you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
