is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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