saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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