theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
