I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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