i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
