Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I wish there were birth control emojis
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
