I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
