On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
